The Space Between

Of all the stories I have written, this is my favorite. Each story playfully refers to the “space between thoughts and things” and our subsequent reactions to such. The question is, how do these internal spaces interact with the outer spaces of our lives? 

The process of storytelling has influenced the outer spaces of my life in immeasurable ways. It is an opportunity to tap into my “inner spaces” to contemplate my choices and what I can do differently moving forward to produce a happier, healthier life. The best results emerge from sharing stories with simplicity. 

One story I would like to share is the book I used to read to my daughter every night before bed called, The Kissing Hand, written by the lovely author Audrey Penn. Its message is about trying to understand the mindset of a bully as being a misguided soul acting out of contempt when confronted by feelings of inferiority. Bullies have an incessant need to be the ones “in charge” all the time. Controlling others makes them feel powerful. 

The mother of the bullied character in the story encourages her child to act with compassion rather than contempt when confronted by the bully. She explains to her child that the bully is a wounded soul looking to hide his pain by behaving badly. It is not easy to befriend a bully. And only other bullies remain in bully groups. Birds of a feather, you know. It is best to swim in warmer waters. 

However, in my young daughter’s case, she so wanted to belong in a friend group that she did not see the turbulent waters of the cesspool she was attempting to swim in. She experienced a different side of the bully factor. Exclusion from the “girl groups” that began forming early on. Lordy, I saw it emerging in kindergarten! By middle school, those waters were shark infested.  

So, instead, I encouraged her to form her own alliances with the other castaways from the so-called “cool girls.” As it turned out, many of them were formerly associated with these “clicks” or bully groups and sent packing for one reason or another. 

There was only one condition for membership in my daughter’s group. No one was the leader, and everyone was welcome so long as kindness and inclusion were demonstrated. Opening the doorway to one’s sense of belonging is transformational and will lead to a path of better understanding others. 

It is more than just discovering the good in people or seeking new relationships. These are the doorways to the space between. An opening into our own consciousness that leads to the discovery of all possibilities within a deeper realm of experience. 

How we treat others (and especially ourselves) matters. 

It is the way we interact with the world around us that moves us to think and engage in diverse ways so we may rise to the challenges of day-to-day life. 

I am pleased to see so many stories published that are heavily focused on the re-framing of the mindset. The act of taking pause when we are engaged in conflict or triggered emotionally moves us from reaction to action by creating the space needed to make shifts in our thought processes when interacting with the world. That “space” could be the difference between life and death.  

I think of this every time a mass shooting occurs. My mind is immediately catapulted back in time to my high school years. Life was simpler then. When I think of the world my child is growing up in now, with active shooter drills, bans on books and bodies, and harmless drag shows, it makes me sad. 

My intention here is NOT to get political. But seriously, folks. What is more likely to cause severe harm or even death to your child? Is it a drag show or banned reading material? Or is it staring down the barrel of a gun? For me, this is a no-brainer. And for the love of God, what kind of world have we created when an innocent act of pulling into the wrong driveway or fetching a basketball that has rolled into the neighbor’s yard gets you shot? 

My early experience involved losing a loved one to gun violence. In fact, it was during the summer of my senior year that my girlfriend was shot and killed by her stepbrother. I cannot go into the details here, but that memory bubbles to the surface every time I hear of these mass shootings. Those gunshots ring out in my mind, piercing my heart all over again as if it happened yesterday. That is how raw the wound still is over forty years later. It NEVER goes away. 

The haunting questions remain. What if I was there? Could I have stopped it? What if she had lived? Would she remember me? The answer came in a dream one night. I dreamed of walking through her old neighborhood and showing her photograph to everyone I encountered. No one recognized her face, but one lady recognized her by name. 

I asked if she could take me to her, and she said, “Yes, she is standing right behind you.” 

I turned around to meet the eyes of a stranger. Her face was disfigured and unrecognizable to me. That would make sense, as the bullet struck her in the face. She seemed not to have any idea who I was, either. She shook her head no when I mentioned my name. But I did notice the very distinct birthmark on the side of her face that confirmed her identity to me. 

In an instant, I was devastated all over again. But shortly thereafter, my thoughts suddenly shifted, and I became acutely aware of being in the “space between.” It is in this dream-like state where we are present in the realm of all possibilities. Was this an alternate version of what may have played out had she survived? Maybe…maybe not. But for me, the message of this version was clear. 

If she had lived, she would not have remembered me. A single bullet wiped away the memory of us. To lose her in that way may have been even more painful, not to mention the physical challenges she would have endured. 

When I awoke, the memory of my dream lingered for a while as I contemplated my feelings about it. Within that mind space, my perspective of the events of the past had shifted. The heart that had ached for so long finally felt at peace for the first time in decades. I found myself suddenly filled with gratitude instead of anger. 

They say God only gives you as much as you can manage. And I am now certain that her death was an act of his loving mercy on us both. I whispered, “Thank you, God, for not putting us through that.” 

My dream sequence is the perfect example of recognizing a part of myself that still suffers. The transformation begins when the mindset shifts from pain to compassion, patching the deep puncture wounds of trauma. 

Now, every time that memory re-surfaces, with its emotional charge diminished, it no longer sits at the bottom of the cauldron, building layers upon layers of soot to sift through. It is a process of healing, as with any buried trauma. It will continue to recycle its energy every time the wiring is tapped. However, when we address each uprising with compassion for ourselves and even those who may have hurt us, we set in motion a mindset of healing rather than one of pain and dis-ease. 

We all go through this process of recycling the energies of experience. It is an opportunity to cleanse the pallet of our consciousness. For each of us, these uprisings manifest in diverse ways. It is all those uncomfortable things we tend to turn away from that are demanding our attention. 

The human spirit shines most brightly when challenged by pain or illness. 

If you believe in such a thing as the spirit, know that yours is always hard at work to bring to your awareness a better understanding of yourself in relation to the way you behave in the world. 

We are all “soul sick.” It is a result of our not understanding how the soul works in getting us to recognize our conditions, let alone the very fact that we even possess a soul in the first place. If we begin to study the physics of the soul (or the higher mind) and see that the state of our mind is at the epicenter of our health, we begin to live and breathe more intelligently. 

Identifying what needs our immediate and undivided attention can be tricky. Pain and anger, for example, will stop at nothing to get your attention. It will remain in relentless pursuit until you validate it. It is an offering from your soul to better understand yourself and your experiences of the world. Whatever pained you, shamed you, maimed you, is looking for your acknowledgment. 

It is important to remember to modify our judgment of other people as well. We never know what another person is dealing with in their private lives. Our perception of others while we are interacting with them will create the experience. They will mirror our own thoughts and behaviors back to us. So, if we have a problem with someone, the first step in dealing with it is taking responsibility for our own role in creating it. 

Do not be afraid to ask yourself tough questions. Do you have an underlying bias that may be creating your perception of a certain someone or something? Having compassion for our fellow humans who may not be doing as well as we are in their current set of circumstances lifts their spirit. In turn, we lift ourselves by choosing to love instead of hate. 

We need diversity in our thinking to create necessary change. Those willing to step up to the plate are the brave souls who speak out when they see or experience an injustice. And it is not necessarily all their own. In fact, it is a collective of all like energy. The vulnerable, the wounded, and the bullied. These are the trailblazers who are willing to break through the cycle of pain, tear down the barriers, and take us to uncomfortable places. 

In Tina Turner's book, I Tina, she tells her story of abuse at the hands of Ike Turner. She intended to put her past to rest because the press continually hounded her with the mention of his name in every interview she did after their separation.  

She left that tortured relationship with nothing but the clothes on her back and her name. Ike Turner took everything else except her spirit. 

Seeking comfort after escaping his abuse, she began practicing the art of Buddhism. She credited the practice for saving her life and for her incredible success by connecting her with spirit. The clarity she gained made her realize if she did not address the wounds of her past, she would continue to bleed. So, she went public with her story of abuse. 

"It hurts to remember these things," she said. "But at some point, forgiveness takes over." 

She eventually forgave her ex-husband, knowing that forgiving is not forgetting but necessary for letting go and moving on with her life. 

So, let us be brave, like Tina...Tell our stories...And know that love has everything to do with it.